COMMENTARY | Uterus of the woman who just had her 17th kid

Alright, this was cute the first 16 times, but after holding your 17th kid for nine months, and now not having him in there, I’ve got to tell you: Just fucking stop already.

Do you know how I feel in there? Just picture Tony Conigliaro’s face and you’ll get an idea.

For most normal women, the non-pregnant uterus is about the size of a plum. I’m the size of Tony Gwynn. I mean, that last baby shot out of you like Brian Urlacher bowled him down a Slip ‘n’ Slide.

You know those tubes that are connected to me? Feel free to get them tied. Seriously, how much more joy would another kid provide at this point? When do the diminishing returns kick in?

Shit, get his tube tied, for all I care. Just get something tied, for fuck’s sake.

Has this become some sort of game now? Are you just waiting for Oprah or Ellen to call you up and say you’re getting a new house and a new bus?

Come on. I hurt.

Corey Hart, meet Hank Aaron.

Against the Philadelphia Phillies Saturday, the Milwaukee Brewers right fielder tied Henry Aaron by recording all three putouts in an inning. It is one of Major League Baseball’s most-hallowed marks.

“What? Oh, I never really thought about it in that context,” Hart said. “No big deal. Happens to me once or twice a month.”

Hart matched Hammerin’ Hank and hundreds of other players when he caught fly balls off the bats of Chris Roberson, Tadahito Iguchi and Jimmy Rollins.

That third putout in the top of the ninth ignited a wild celebration inside Miller Park, as it not only gave Hart his share of the record, it gave the Brewers a 6-5 victory.

Rod the Bod is turning out the lights on the United States. And, Canada, he’s heading your way.

After years of producing covers for his “Great American Songbook” series, Rod Stewart has reached the end. The final disc will feature the only previously un-Rodded songs in American music history.

Included on the album, to be released Oct. 16, are such unforgettables as “Heartbeat” (originally recorded by Don Johnson), “Let the Eagle Soar” (John Ashcroft) and “Grab Them Cakes” (Junk Yard Dog).

In early 2008, Stewart will release The Great Canadian Songbook I. The first single will be Bryan Adams’ parts on “All For Love” from the soundtrack of 1993’s Three Musketeers.

The crochety old campaigner had one more bout left in him.

In front of a House committee Wednesday, former Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld denied that the Pentagon covered up the 2004 death of Army Ranger Pat Tillman.

Tillman is the former Arizona Cardinal who gave up the NFL in favor of joining the Army after Sept. 11.

“There is no doubt in my mind, sir, that you knew that friendly fire caused the death of Mr. Tillman,” Committee Chair Henry Waxman, D-Calif, declared.

“So the questions are a) when did you know it wasn’t enemy fire and b) why did you continue to present this charade to the American public and, above all, Mr. Tillman’s friends and family?”

Fair questions, to be sure, and ones that Rumsfeld answered by digging deep into his perplexing canon of greatest hits.

“With respect, we never denied that Mr. Tillman died,” he said. “That’s never been an issue. I’m not quite sure what this hubbub’s about, if you can call this a hubbub at all.”

Not since the Quinnipiac-Yuckraker poll was instituted in 1931 has it hit upon an issue that so deeply divides the public.

In phone interviews with 1,347 Americans (673 men, 674 women), nearly half (673) found the display of a mangina — whereby the male tucks his private parts between his legs to portray a those of a woman’s and then dances and goes “Woo-hoo” to his significant other — funny. Seventy-five percent of these found the mangina to be “uproariously funny.”

“When I come out of the shower and my wife’s laying on the bed — that’s a great time to break it out,” said Washington County’s Errol Michaels.

The other half said they offer an eye-roll or an “Ewwww, stop it” when confronted with such a tuck by their husbands or boyfriends.

In a more poignant sign of American unity, 98 percent of those polled said “Quinnipiac” is the most awesome name for a college, ever.