The Yuckraker

Lifelong Houston Astros fan Jack Davis of Katy, Texas, recently became a father for the first time. And amid all of the joy young Scott has given him since his birth, the 32-year-old Davis recently became a bit whistful upon thinking about something they’ll never share.

“I know Scotty will be an Astros fan, just like his daddy,” Davis said, “but he’ll never be able to experience the beauty of the Astrodome, and that makes me sad.”

The first game the elder Davis ever went to ended in a 5-0 Houston victory over the Cubs on May 15, 1981. It wasn’t a Nolan Ryan game, Davis said, but Joe Niekro did toss a four-hit masterpiece. He can remember everything about that day, including the smell of the fresh AstroDome air.

“Until Scotty came out of my wife, the greatest thing I ever experienced was coming up the ramp on the third-base side and seeing that beautiful AstroTurf,” Davis remembered. “I’ve never seen anything so green in my whole life.

“The Juice Box is nice, and the ‘Stros usually have a pretty good ballclub, but it pains me that Scotty will never experience seeing the likes of Terry Puhl and Rafael Landestoy in the dome.

“My only hope is that a retro wave of concrete fortresses hits baseball sometime in the future.”

COMMENTARY | Butch Birmingham

Look at this truck. It’s awesome. Now picture it without the 20-foot antenna I just bought. Not nearly as awesome, is it?

The antenna completes my F150, or as I call it, my F1Awesome. It runs the entire length of the truck, hangs over the end of the bed, nicks the ground and kicks up sparks, but who gives a damn? It’s long and it picks up every station in the county, crystal clear. If it gets sparks on your car, your car’s probably queer.

People ask me, “Couldn’t you get all the stations in clear before?” Course I could. That ain’t the damn point. The point is to get the stations in even more clear and make this truck look even more awesome.

Now that I’ve had this baby installed, the truck has everything: the long, awesome antenna, the Steelers logo sticker, the sticker that says “I’m not speedin’, I’m qualifyin’”, the American flag thermal sticker that covers my awesome truck’s back window, and the totally awesome sticker of a little blond kid pissing all over the number 24.

That little guy is awesome. He should be in the funnies.

Man, do I hate Jeff Gordon!

Knowing full well that celebrities that were part of Seinfeld’s nine-season run die in threes, Keith Hernandez announced today that he’s staying away from any risky activity for the time being.

“I’ll still call Mets games, but I may cut back on the moustache trimming,” said Hernandez. “It may be a work of art, but it’s a bristly work of art and trimming it isn’t the safest thing in the whole world.”

Hernandez’s fear stems from the deaths this week of Merv Griffin and Phil Rizzuto.

On Seinfeld, one of Griffin’s talk show sets was taken out of a Dumpster and set up in Kramer’s apartment. George’s keychain likeness of the Scooter, meanwhile, was buried in a New York street during pothole repair.

The Yuckraker also caught up with the real Soup Nazi, Al Yeganeh of Al’s Soup Kitchen in Manhattan, who told us he plans to serve only chilled cucumber soup and Vichisoisse for a while so that he doesn’t get burned. He also told us to get the hell out of his store.

Phone messages left for George Steinbrenner and Racquel Welch were not immediately returned.

The first leg of The Police’s reunion tour is complete, and though it was a smashing success, it seems as though anxiety has already set in for the three blonds.

“The big question now is: Will we all forget how to play songs like ‘Roxanne’ and ‘De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da’ between now and when we resume in September?” said guitarist Andy Summers. “Seven weeks is a long time and those songs are so complex.”

Added drummer Stewart Copeland: “Despite working with Douchebag No. 1 and Douchebag No. 2 all summer, this has been a great experience. I can’t wait till next month so I can hate them some more.”

Sting was balls deep in self-importance and couldn’t be bothered for comment.

The trio will be back onstage Sept. 29 in Paris.

The first, and so far only, season of the ABC sitcom “Emily’s Reasons Why Not” will be released on 3.5-inch floppy disk Sept. 25 with a list price of $39.95.

Also available will be a limited-edition box set ($99.95) that includes a voucher to have Heather Graham (Emily) and the rest of the actors come to your house and perform the entire one-episode run.

Bonus extras on both versions include the six unaired episodes and interviews with the cast and crew that didn’t quit the business and change their identities after becoming stigmatized as the cast and crew that worked on “Emily’s Reasons.”