The Yuckraker

A report released by Indiana University Wednesday revealed that 60 percent of 18 to 24 year olds are getting their news from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.

This, despite the fact that the survey was conducted Nov. 10-20 while the shows were forced into hiatus because of the writers strike.

“That’s fucking bullshit they let Ahmadinejad speak at Columbia yesterday,” Western Michigan sophomore Drew Tait told The Yuckraker Thursday. “Nobody wants to hear what that bozo has to say.”

Said tearful single mother Mandy Fielding: “I’ll miss you, Anna Nicole. You were so beautiful.”

The game of base ball, as it was known before the turn of the century, was lily white in the 1880s, but should today’s vintage old-style games also be played that way?

What was commonplace in the late 19th century, of course, will earn you a visit from Jesse Jackson in seconds today, so credit Joe Johnson for raising an interesting dilemma that combines ethics, history and authenticity.

Johnson, a Washington County pharmaceutical salesman, was jogging near Lewis Field recently when the Potomac Lowlanders came through town and were looking for local players to form the other side.

So, Johnson played, bedecked in a funny looking hat and loose trousers. Though a bit out of place among the other white faces and bushy moustaches, the crowd’s white guilt, in the form of an ovation that was twice as loud for him than for anyone else, put the issue to rest.

In the end, he took seven-ball walks and called the umpires “sir” like everyone else.

“I didn’t really want this to be a social statement,” Johnson said, “but I did want to give them a sense of what it would have been like if we had been able to play before Jackie.

“Babe Ruth, my ass.”

The crochety old campaigner had one more bout left in him.

In front of a House committee Wednesday, former Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld denied that the Pentagon covered up the 2004 death of Army Ranger Pat Tillman.

Tillman is the former Arizona Cardinal who gave up the NFL in favor of joining the Army after Sept. 11.

“There is no doubt in my mind, sir, that you knew that friendly fire caused the death of Mr. Tillman,” Committee Chair Henry Waxman, D-Calif, declared.

“So the questions are a) when did you know it wasn’t enemy fire and b) why did you continue to present this charade to the American public and, above all, Mr. Tillman’s friends and family?”

Fair questions, to be sure, and ones that Rumsfeld answered by digging deep into his perplexing canon of greatest hits.

“With respect, we never denied that Mr. Tillman died,” he said. “That’s never been an issue. I’m not quite sure what this hubbub’s about, if you can call this a hubbub at all.”

Not since the Quinnipiac-Yuckraker poll was instituted in 1931 has it hit upon an issue that so deeply divides the public.

In phone interviews with 1,347 Americans (673 men, 674 women), nearly half (673) found the display of a mangina — whereby the male tucks his private parts between his legs to portray a those of a woman’s and then dances and goes “Woo-hoo” to his significant other — funny. Seventy-five percent of these found the mangina to be “uproariously funny.”

“When I come out of the shower and my wife’s laying on the bed — that’s a great time to break it out,” said Washington County’s Errol Michaels.

The other half said they offer an eye-roll or an “Ewwww, stop it” when confronted with such a tuck by their husbands or boyfriends.

In a more poignant sign of American unity, 98 percent of those polled said “Quinnipiac” is the most awesome name for a college, ever.

The first thing Americans think of when they hear the word “Madras” is Lee Trevino putting out at the 1976 British Open. If J.Crew has its way, though, one day they’ll think of the national clothing retailer.

One day.

For 15 years now, the chain has been offering Madras blazers, Madras pants and, most especially, Madras shorts to fashion-conscious Americans, and for 15 years, these fashion-conscious Americans haven’t bit.

“At some point, they’ll come to realize how unique the Madras style is,” said Todd Lindsay, J.Crew’s national marketing director. “I mean, what’s not to like about contrasting squares of plaid stitched together in a mish-mash? It’s what summer’s all about.

“And if Madras, for whatever reason, isn’t your thing, that’s OK, too. We have plenty of pants embroidered with hula dancers and crabs.”