The Yuckraker

A report released by Indiana University Wednesday revealed that 60 percent of 18 to 24 year olds are getting their news from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.

This, despite the fact that the survey was conducted Nov. 10-20 while the shows were forced into hiatus because of the writers strike.

“That’s fucking bullshit they let Ahmadinejad speak at Columbia yesterday,” Western Michigan sophomore Drew Tait told The Yuckraker Thursday. “Nobody wants to hear what that bozo has to say.”

Said tearful single mother Mandy Fielding: “I’ll miss you, Anna Nicole. You were so beautiful.”

WWWD-FM, Washington County’s top classic rock station, is going to have to make due without one of its morning drive personalities Friday.

Jimmy “The Hammer” Hampton, who makes up half of the “Zip & The Hammer Morning Show,” was sent to the emergency room Thursday afternoon after suffering a concussion during a fight with afternoon jock Rick Lewis.

Hampton and Lewis came to blows over whether WWWD’s Led Zeppelin-heavy September initiative — dubbed Zeptember — out-awesomed the station’s overall Rocktober programming that will premiere in a few weeks.

“Of course Rocktober’s better,” Lewis declared. “It has rock in the freaking name. You know it rocks.”

Reached at his home, Hampton parried Lewis’ statement.

“Name me any other month where you can play ‘Kashmir’ and ‘The Song Remains The Same’ back to back and no one would bat an eye,” the self-proclaimed “Biggest Zeppelin fan ever” said. “Christ, I’ve taken dumps, eaten four-course meals and taken a naps during that two-fer.

“I wish Jimmy Page was here so he could donate his sweat, put it in an ice cube tray, freeze it and then give two cubes of it to Rick so he could use them as balls, because clearly he’s a big vagina.”

WWWD Program Director Alan Martin released a statement that read, in part, “Zeptember and Rocktober are both great for WWWD listeners. But let’s not forget about all the great new music coming up in Newvember.”

With his New Orleans Saints off to a rough 0-2 start, Coach Sean Payton is calling upon Mother Nature to give them a lift.

“Ma’am, if you have a horrific, history-making hurricane in you, now’s the time,” Payton said during his Monday press conference. “I mean, I’d prefer it hit Baton Rouge so that the deaths hit home, yet we don’t have to move out of the Superdome, but I’ll take anything you got at this point because I got nothing.”

Drew Brees is sitting on a feeble 66.4 quarterback rating and Reggie Bush is playing like a 21st-century Eric Metcalf, causes that can be directly attributed to the Saints not having anything to rally around.

“This is rough, man,” said running back Deuce McAllister. “If I could have the Dome reopen every game, I would. That got us off to a nice start last year.”

Other ideas Payton and the Saints marketing team have on the table to reverse the Black and Gold’s ways include running pulse-quickening scenes from “K-Ville” on the center video board and conducting pregame jazz funerals with Michael Vick’s body in the casket.

Congratulations, Louise Parker. You truly are the Cal Ripken of butchering well-known phrases.

With innumerable misuses of “ironic” still fresh in everyone’s memory, the 54-year-old secretary at General Controls, 34 E. Main St., is riding an incredible hot streak.

Thursday in the GC breakroom, she extended her run of misusing the term “which begs the question” to 67 weeks in a row.

“I remember this week’s edition clearly,” said Cliff Shultz, a co-worker, “We were sitting there, and Lou says, ‘This microwave pizza sure is tasty, which begs the question: What am I going to have for dinner.’

“I had an over-under bet with Hal from sales. I gave him Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I had Thursday and Friday. Pay the man, Hal.”

When asked about her foibles, Parker responded: “It’s a slippery slope to point out people’s errors, especially when they’re not really errors.”

NEW YORK — On a campaign stop in his home city Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani noted the solemnity of the sixth anniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

And, funny you should ask, he said, I was the mayor in New York city six years ago.

“I led our nation’s finest city through its darkest hour,” he told a congregation at Ground Zero, “I want to lead our nation through its finest hours.”

The crowd cheered, but to be fair that was mostly Giuliani’s staff. The mourners reacted by saying, “Hey, I’m reflecting here.”

“People say I can’t be elected president because of my views on abortion and gay rights. That I perpetuate the feeling that New York is the only city that matters,” Giuliani told onlookers. “But you all know that isn’t true, right, friends? Right!!!!?”

“Again, shaddup, already,” said Joe Petroni, a construction worker from Queens. “Come back tomorrow. This isn’t your day anymore.”

The Giuliani campaign continues Wednesday with a swing through Akron.

He is expected to pander to the thousands of the people there who have lost jobs this year and talk about how Sept. 11 made him sad but Sept. 12 made him proud.