The Yuckraker

WWWD-FM, Washington County’s top classic rock station, is going to have to make due without one of its morning drive personalities Friday.

Jimmy “The Hammer” Hampton, who makes up half of the “Zip & The Hammer Morning Show,” was sent to the emergency room Thursday afternoon after suffering a concussion during a fight with afternoon jock Rick Lewis.

Hampton and Lewis came to blows over whether WWWD’s Led Zeppelin-heavy September initiative — dubbed Zeptember — out-awesomed the station’s overall Rocktober programming that will premiere in a few weeks.

“Of course Rocktober’s better,” Lewis declared. “It has rock in the freaking name. You know it rocks.”

Reached at his home, Hampton parried Lewis’ statement.

“Name me any other month where you can play ‘Kashmir’ and ‘The Song Remains The Same’ back to back and no one would bat an eye,” the self-proclaimed “Biggest Zeppelin fan ever” said. “Christ, I’ve taken dumps, eaten four-course meals and taken a naps during that two-fer.

“I wish Jimmy Page was here so he could donate his sweat, put it in an ice cube tray, freeze it and then give two cubes of it to Rick so he could use them as balls, because clearly he’s a big vagina.”

WWWD Program Director Alan Martin released a statement that read, in part, “Zeptember and Rocktober are both great for WWWD listeners. But let’s not forget about all the great new music coming up in Newvember.”

Editor,

I’m writing today to tell you how much Nickelback sucks and how much I wish Washington County’s “New Rock” station WXWC would quit playing them.

How much can I not stand them? Here’s a list of 17 things I’d prefer doing over listening to a Nickelback song on the radio.

• Listen to Maroon 5

• Listen to Jim Belushi play anything on harmonica

• Let Flo-Jo finger my taint

• Work as a buyer at a second-hand floss store

• Go for a drive with Bobby Knight and tell him his wife’s ugly the moment he hits a bump and spills coffee on his pants.

• Eat shit and live, then poop that shit out, eat it and then die

• Place an order for stock in Bad Newz Kennels

• Spend some time with one of Jerry’s Kids

• Give my ball sack a Brazilian

• Watch Luciano Pavarotti eat ribs

• Donate to United Way

• Have unprotected sex with a boat motor

• Spend the rest of my life opening blister packs

• Pay visits to the seven children that I know about

• Get a BJ from Fred Thompson

• Give a BJ to Hillary Clinton

• Watch Stuart Scott as Othello and Stephen A. Smith at Iago in Shakespeare in the Park

Please forgive my language, editor and good people of Washington County, as Nickelback causes me to reach deep into the curse word playbook like no other.

Sincerely,

Jimmy Sexton
Washington County

The first leg of The Police’s reunion tour is complete, and though it was a smashing success, it seems as though anxiety has already set in for the three blonds.

“The big question now is: Will we all forget how to play songs like ‘Roxanne’ and ‘De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da’ between now and when we resume in September?” said guitarist Andy Summers. “Seven weeks is a long time and those songs are so complex.”

Added drummer Stewart Copeland: “Despite working with Douchebag No. 1 and Douchebag No. 2 all summer, this has been a great experience. I can’t wait till next month so I can hate them some more.”

Sting was balls deep in self-importance and couldn’t be bothered for comment.

The trio will be back onstage Sept. 29 in Paris.

Rod the Bod is turning out the lights on the United States. And, Canada, he’s heading your way.

After years of producing covers for his “Great American Songbook” series, Rod Stewart has reached the end. The final disc will feature the only previously un-Rodded songs in American music history.

Included on the album, to be released Oct. 16, are such unforgettables as “Heartbeat” (originally recorded by Don Johnson), “Let the Eagle Soar” (John Ashcroft) and “Grab Them Cakes” (Junk Yard Dog).

In early 2008, Stewart will release The Great Canadian Songbook I. The first single will be Bryan Adams’ parts on “All For Love” from the soundtrack of 1993’s Three Musketeers.