The Yuckraker

The Criterion Collection today announced that it will alter 14 classics to include prolific actor Samuel L. Jackson.

“The only way to make these films better is to add a little Samuel L.,” said Criterion spokeswoman Mary Langston. “He’s already in just about every movie, so this step we’ve taken is only natural.

“Let me pose this question: If Jackson had been around in Kurasawa’s time, would he not have used him?”

Criterion’s “Bad Motherfucker Collection” will include reissues of such classics as The Seventh Seal, Hamlet (1948) and Spellbound — all with Jules Winnfield himself.

Does Harry live? Does the Boy Who Lived die? Bilionaire butterface J.K. Rowling isn’t telling. But according to snoops tucked deep within the world’s largest bookstore named after a South American river, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” ends a tad ambiguously.

“Hallows,” said our inside man, “features a battle to end all battles over the book’s final pages and just as Harry’s life hangs in the balance, it is written in italics:

‘Don’t stop believin’
‘Hold on to that feela-hiya-a-an
‘Dont stop —’”

There is good news, though. The epilogue is said to unveil the ultimate spoiler: There will be an eighth Potter book!

“Harry Potter and the Unexplained Pants Tent,” in which our wizardly hero approaches British puberty, will likely be released some time in 2010.