The Yuckraker

A report released by Indiana University Wednesday revealed that 60 percent of 18 to 24 year olds are getting their news from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.

This, despite the fact that the survey was conducted Nov. 10-20 while the shows were forced into hiatus because of the writers strike.

“That’s fucking bullshit they let Ahmadinejad speak at Columbia yesterday,” Western Michigan sophomore Drew Tait told The Yuckraker Thursday. “Nobody wants to hear what that bozo has to say.”

Said tearful single mother Mandy Fielding: “I’ll miss you, Anna Nicole. You were so beautiful.”

WWWD-FM, Washington County’s top classic rock station, is going to have to make due without one of its morning drive personalities Friday.

Jimmy “The Hammer” Hampton, who makes up half of the “Zip & The Hammer Morning Show,” was sent to the emergency room Thursday afternoon after suffering a concussion during a fight with afternoon jock Rick Lewis.

Hampton and Lewis came to blows over whether WWWD’s Led Zeppelin-heavy September initiative — dubbed Zeptember — out-awesomed the station’s overall Rocktober programming that will premiere in a few weeks.

“Of course Rocktober’s better,” Lewis declared. “It has rock in the freaking name. You know it rocks.”

Reached at his home, Hampton parried Lewis’ statement.

“Name me any other month where you can play ‘Kashmir’ and ‘The Song Remains The Same’ back to back and no one would bat an eye,” the self-proclaimed “Biggest Zeppelin fan ever” said. “Christ, I’ve taken dumps, eaten four-course meals and taken a naps during that two-fer.

“I wish Jimmy Page was here so he could donate his sweat, put it in an ice cube tray, freeze it and then give two cubes of it to Rick so he could use them as balls, because clearly he’s a big vagina.”

WWWD Program Director Alan Martin released a statement that read, in part, “Zeptember and Rocktober are both great for WWWD listeners. But let’s not forget about all the great new music coming up in Newvember.”

Normally, hearing your principal’s voice as you cut across the schoolyard to go to McDonald’s wouldn’t be a good thing, but to Washington High School junior Matt MacIlvane, it was like hearing The Fratellis coming out of his iPod.

In a risque search for a bite to eat Friday morning, MacIlvane traversed the closed campus in search of a Sausage McMuffin with Egg on the other side of Main Street. But he didn’t get that far, as longtime schoolmaster Tim Johnson busted him walking across the main lawn.

“Mr. MacIlvane, where are you heading off to!?” Johnson bellowed.

When MacIlvane mentioned that the principal should have said “to where are you heading,” Johnson made the student a deal: No in-school suspension, but no McDonald’s, either.

“Clearly, I got away with one,” MacIlvane said. “Now I need to apply my quick-thinking skills to finding another route to nearby restaurants that doesn’t attract as many eyeballs.”

Said Johnson: “He got off fair and square. What can I say? He’s absolutely right and, may I add, a real student of grammar. It’s the beginning of the school year and I’m not in spring-semester form yet. I blew it.”

Jimmy Antonelli, a Washington County resident who grew up in Brooklyn, New York, was indignant Thursday afternoon.

He took the day off from work to kick back and watch his beloved Yankees take on the Boston Red Sox in a matinee. It turns out he burned one of his 10 precious vacation days for nothing.

“I thought it was a given that the Yankee game would be on,” Antonelli said Thursday night after coming home from a local sports bar. “I mean, it’s nearly September and it’s the Sox. Why wouldn’t I think it was on?

“I tell you what, ESPN had better start showing the Yankee-Sox rivalry some love. I don’t know what the hell that was that they were showing, but it wasn’t the Yankees or the Sox, I can tell you that.”

Of his trip to the sport bar, Antonelli said: “Yeah, they had the game, but it was on NESN so I had to suffer through the yo-yo Boston announcers. What a joke.”

New York won, 5-0, to give itself a series sweep and inch closer to the Red Sox in the AL East standings.

Said Antonelli, who will be back behind the security desk at the Trust Bank Building today: “Are you listening, ESPN? We wear pinstripes and have Jeter and ARod. Look us up.”

COMMENTARY | Rona Purnell

I can’t go anywhere anymore without seeing “green” this or hearing “green” that. Well, a short while ago, I decided to see what all the fuss was about, and guess what! You really can make a difference for the environment by doing the little things.

In one month, I was able to cut my utility bills from $850 to $160. How?

By doing the simple things. Sure, life may not be as comfortable as you’re used to it being at time, but you’ll soothe yourself just thinking about all that money you’ll save.

The first thing I did was turn the air conditioning up from 59 degrees to 70 degrees. I miss having the comforting feel of a blanket with me as I walked around, but you don’t even notice after a while.

It pained me, but I also quit running a hot shower with the bathroom door closed overnight to take out any lingering wrinkles out of the next day’s work clothes. Little did I know that just a few spritzes of water from an old Febreeze bottle works just as well.

Speaking of water savings, I’ve joined the growing chorus of Americans who now go without their daily rainbow. This past month, I sure have missed turning on the hose for an hour when I get home from work and seeing the full spectrum of colors that results when the setting sun hits the spray at just the right angle. I guess I should’ve taken a picture anyways — it’ll last longer (LOL).

And I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to my beloved kitty-cats — no more setting the oven to 200 so you can lay on it all cozy all day. And, unfortunately, I’ve had to turn off the TVs downstairs, in my bedroom and in the guest bedroom, too. Guess Mr. Imagination will have to talk you through the day.

The final step I took to save money and energy on my bills is an easy one to take, if you think about it: Stop getting your garages specially wired to go up and down all night because the sound makes you sleep better. One of those noise machines you buy at Sharper Image will be far cheaper in the long run.

So, whether it means you disappoint the birdies by pointing your window AC unit back inside, or you just stop running hot water for an hour down your kitchen sink to clean the garbage disposal, there are hundreds of non-obvious ways to save money … and Mother Earth!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step!

Or grandkids’ grandkids will thank us for it.

Purnell, 52, lives with her three cats in Washington County.