The Yuckraker

Anticipation is running high as commercial pitchman Peyton Manning begins the follow-up to his magical 2006 season tonight at 8 on NBC.

Manning is coming off a year that saw him produce such memorable spots as “Fake Audible In The Huddle For DirecTV” and “Pass To CircuitCity Salesman Is Too Hard.”

Debuting tonight, and running during every possible commercial break, will be a spot for Summer’s Eve in which Peyton walks a sandy beach with his brother Eli to discuss the benefits of douching.

Other ads will feature Manning touting Canon, Apple, Reebok, GE and Olive Garden, which will conclude with a hilarous punch line from Peyton as the Mannings sit around the table. Wear diapers, everybody!

Manning’s existing spots for Sprint, MasterCard and ESPN will remain. This means that Manning’s work will take up all of NBC’s allotted space except for the brief part of the Arbor Day Foundation commercial that sometimes slips through.

“I’m just trying to set a good example for the kids,” Manning said. “If I can move just one product, then I’ve done my job.”

In between Manning commercials tonight, his Indianapolis Colts will open their defense of the Super Bowl crown against the New Orleans Saints.

Normally, hearing your principal’s voice as you cut across the schoolyard to go to McDonald’s wouldn’t be a good thing, but to Washington High School junior Matt MacIlvane, it was like hearing The Fratellis coming out of his iPod.

In a risque search for a bite to eat Friday morning, MacIlvane traversed the closed campus in search of a Sausage McMuffin with Egg on the other side of Main Street. But he didn’t get that far, as longtime schoolmaster Tim Johnson busted him walking across the main lawn.

“Mr. MacIlvane, where are you heading off to!?” Johnson bellowed.

When MacIlvane mentioned that the principal should have said “to where are you heading,” Johnson made the student a deal: No in-school suspension, but no McDonald’s, either.

“Clearly, I got away with one,” MacIlvane said. “Now I need to apply my quick-thinking skills to finding another route to nearby restaurants that doesn’t attract as many eyeballs.”

Said Johnson: “He got off fair and square. What can I say? He’s absolutely right and, may I add, a real student of grammar. It’s the beginning of the school year and I’m not in spring-semester form yet. I blew it.”