The Yuckraker

This editorial originally appeared in The Yuckraker on Oct. 23, 1960.

Dear Mr. Family Circus Dad,

Being a father means not carrying yourself around like you’re at the dog track all the time, despite what the social mores of our new decade would dictate.

Smoking is one thing, sir, ferrying the kids around drunk is entirely different.

“…And we each had a bottle of soda,” apple-cheeked Billy proudly told his mom upon his triumphant return from the football game yesterday. “Daddy brought his own in his pocket.”

His own in his pocket. Shame on you, Dad.

Not only does soda clearly mean a quote-unquote “road pop,” sir, but you smuggled it into the stadium. That’s unethical at best. Yes, $1.25 is an outrageous price to pay for a beer at the game, but show some class.

The one saving grace is that you only had tickets for Dolly and Billy, leaving Mom, Jeffy, adorable little PJ and Barfy at home to, thankfully, NOT receive word that three loved ones died in a horrible, fiery drunk-driving accident.

So, sir, please take a long, hard look in the mirror tonight before you go to bed. And then ask yourself, “Don’t the kids deserve a dad who doesn’t risk their lives every time he gets behind the wheel?”

We pray that your answer isn’t “Ida Know.”

As it turns out, there may be one thing Muriithi Odumbe, a top-ranked marathoner who has won in Boston and London, can’t run from.

Saturday, in the coastal town of Mombassa, Kenya police raided the house owned by Odumbe under suspicion of a large-scale giraffe-fighting ring.

Hours later, they recovered a dozen of the creatures — all of whom appeared to be healthy, though frisky — and arrested Odumbe.

“I vehemently deny the charges against me,” said Odumbe. “This will be a long process that will not be resolved overnight. I only wish there was a running metaphor that I could use to describe what this process will be like.”

The bust was set in motion by neighbors who became suspicious when they discovered 20-foot-tall doghouses and trees modified with limbs made out of steel and leaves fashioned from chain link in Odumbe’s backyard.

In the indictment, Odumbe’s nickname is listed as “Al.”

COMMENTARY | Uterus of the woman who just had her 17th kid

Alright, this was cute the first 16 times, but after holding your 17th kid for nine months, and now not having him in there, I’ve got to tell you: Just fucking stop already.

Do you know how I feel in there? Just picture Tony Conigliaro’s face and you’ll get an idea.

For most normal women, the non-pregnant uterus is about the size of a plum. I’m the size of Tony Gwynn. I mean, that last baby shot out of you like Brian Urlacher bowled him down a Slip ‘n’ Slide.

You know those tubes that are connected to me? Feel free to get them tied. Seriously, how much more joy would another kid provide at this point? When do the diminishing returns kick in?

Shit, get his tube tied, for all I care. Just get something tied, for fuck’s sake.

Has this become some sort of game now? Are you just waiting for Oprah or Ellen to call you up and say you’re getting a new house and a new bus?

Come on. I hurt.

Corey Hart, meet Hank Aaron.

Against the Philadelphia Phillies Saturday, the Milwaukee Brewers right fielder tied Henry Aaron by recording all three putouts in an inning. It is one of Major League Baseball’s most-hallowed marks.

“What? Oh, I never really thought about it in that context,” Hart said. “No big deal. Happens to me once or twice a month.”

Hart matched Hammerin’ Hank and hundreds of other players when he caught fly balls off the bats of Chris Roberson, Tadahito Iguchi and Jimmy Rollins.

That third putout in the top of the ninth ignited a wild celebration inside Miller Park, as it not only gave Hart his share of the record, it gave the Brewers a 6-5 victory.

Rod the Bod is turning out the lights on the United States. And, Canada, he’s heading your way.

After years of producing covers for his “Great American Songbook” series, Rod Stewart has reached the end. The final disc will feature the only previously un-Rodded songs in American music history.

Included on the album, to be released Oct. 16, are such unforgettables as “Heartbeat” (originally recorded by Don Johnson), “Let the Eagle Soar” (John Ashcroft) and “Grab Them Cakes” (Junk Yard Dog).

In early 2008, Stewart will release The Great Canadian Songbook I. The first single will be Bryan Adams’ parts on “All For Love” from the soundtrack of 1993’s Three Musketeers.