The Yuckraker

Jimmy Antonelli, a Washington County resident who grew up in Brooklyn, New York, was indignant Thursday afternoon.

He took the day off from work to kick back and watch his beloved Yankees take on the Boston Red Sox in a matinee. It turns out he burned one of his 10 precious vacation days for nothing.

“I thought it was a given that the Yankee game would be on,” Antonelli said Thursday night after coming home from a local sports bar. “I mean, it’s nearly September and it’s the Sox. Why wouldn’t I think it was on?

“I tell you what, ESPN had better start showing the Yankee-Sox rivalry some love. I don’t know what the hell that was that they were showing, but it wasn’t the Yankees or the Sox, I can tell you that.”

Of his trip to the sport bar, Antonelli said: “Yeah, they had the game, but it was on NESN so I had to suffer through the yo-yo Boston announcers. What a joke.”

New York won, 5-0, to give itself a series sweep and inch closer to the Red Sox in the AL East standings.

Said Antonelli, who will be back behind the security desk at the Trust Bank Building today: “Are you listening, ESPN? We wear pinstripes and have Jeter and ARod. Look us up.”

Through extensive research, Pulitzer Prize-winning historian Dorothy Klein-Anderson has found that many of our most beloved presidents had nicknames most people never knew about.

“When I say ‘Ike’ or “Tricky Dicky,’ everyone knows about whom I’m talking,” said Klein-Anderson from her home in Princeton, N.J. “But there are some really fascinating monikers I hadn’t heard of until recently.”

Here’s a sampling:

President No. 3 — Thomas “Dark Meat” Jefferson
6 — John Quincy “Q&A” Adams
9 — William Henry “Nah, it’s nice out” Harrison
10 — John “Tippekayak” Tyler
12 — Zachary “It’s not Tyler, dick” Taylor
14 — Franklin “Last Call” Pierce
15 — James “Seacrest” Buchanan
18 — Ulysses “I’m buried there, idiot” Grant
19 — “Ol’ piece of chicken in his beard” Rutherford B. Hayes
22/24 — Grover “Two-fer” Cleveland
23 — Benjamin “Lunchmeat” Harrison
25 — William “What-archy rules?” McKinley
27 — William Howard Taft, “The Gentleman Anorexic”
29 — Warren G. “Teapot Dumb” Harding
30 — Calvin “Chatterbox” Coolidge
32 — Franklin “The Gazelle” Roosevelt
33 — Harry “The Hiroshima Dreama” Truman

Klein-Anderson’s complete findings will be published in The Journal of Presidential Stuff this fall.

COMMENTARY | Rona Purnell

I can’t go anywhere anymore without seeing “green” this or hearing “green” that. Well, a short while ago, I decided to see what all the fuss was about, and guess what! You really can make a difference for the environment by doing the little things.

In one month, I was able to cut my utility bills from $850 to $160. How?

By doing the simple things. Sure, life may not be as comfortable as you’re used to it being at time, but you’ll soothe yourself just thinking about all that money you’ll save.

The first thing I did was turn the air conditioning up from 59 degrees to 70 degrees. I miss having the comforting feel of a blanket with me as I walked around, but you don’t even notice after a while.

It pained me, but I also quit running a hot shower with the bathroom door closed overnight to take out any lingering wrinkles out of the next day’s work clothes. Little did I know that just a few spritzes of water from an old Febreeze bottle works just as well.

Speaking of water savings, I’ve joined the growing chorus of Americans who now go without their daily rainbow. This past month, I sure have missed turning on the hose for an hour when I get home from work and seeing the full spectrum of colors that results when the setting sun hits the spray at just the right angle. I guess I should’ve taken a picture anyways — it’ll last longer (LOL).

And I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to my beloved kitty-cats — no more setting the oven to 200 so you can lay on it all cozy all day. And, unfortunately, I’ve had to turn off the TVs downstairs, in my bedroom and in the guest bedroom, too. Guess Mr. Imagination will have to talk you through the day.

The final step I took to save money and energy on my bills is an easy one to take, if you think about it: Stop getting your garages specially wired to go up and down all night because the sound makes you sleep better. One of those noise machines you buy at Sharper Image will be far cheaper in the long run.

So, whether it means you disappoint the birdies by pointing your window AC unit back inside, or you just stop running hot water for an hour down your kitchen sink to clean the garbage disposal, there are hundreds of non-obvious ways to save money … and Mother Earth!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step!

Or grandkids’ grandkids will thank us for it.

Purnell, 52, lives with her three cats in Washington County.

The game of base ball, as it was known before the turn of the century, was lily white in the 1880s, but should today’s vintage old-style games also be played that way?

What was commonplace in the late 19th century, of course, will earn you a visit from Jesse Jackson in seconds today, so credit Joe Johnson for raising an interesting dilemma that combines ethics, history and authenticity.

Johnson, a Washington County pharmaceutical salesman, was jogging near Lewis Field recently when the Potomac Lowlanders came through town and were looking for local players to form the other side.

So, Johnson played, bedecked in a funny looking hat and loose trousers. Though a bit out of place among the other white faces and bushy moustaches, the crowd’s white guilt, in the form of an ovation that was twice as loud for him than for anyone else, put the issue to rest.

In the end, he took seven-ball walks and called the umpires “sir” like everyone else.

“I didn’t really want this to be a social statement,” Johnson said, “but I did want to give them a sense of what it would have been like if we had been able to play before Jackie.

“Babe Ruth, my ass.”

Editor,

I’m writing today to tell you how much Nickelback sucks and how much I wish Washington County’s “New Rock” station WXWC would quit playing them.

How much can I not stand them? Here’s a list of 17 things I’d prefer doing over listening to a Nickelback song on the radio.

• Listen to Maroon 5

• Listen to Jim Belushi play anything on harmonica

• Let Flo-Jo finger my taint

• Work as a buyer at a second-hand floss store

• Go for a drive with Bobby Knight and tell him his wife’s ugly the moment he hits a bump and spills coffee on his pants.

• Eat shit and live, then poop that shit out, eat it and then die

• Place an order for stock in Bad Newz Kennels

• Spend some time with one of Jerry’s Kids

• Give my ball sack a Brazilian

• Watch Luciano Pavarotti eat ribs

• Donate to United Way

• Have unprotected sex with a boat motor

• Spend the rest of my life opening blister packs

• Pay visits to the seven children that I know about

• Get a BJ from Fred Thompson

• Give a BJ to Hillary Clinton

• Watch Stuart Scott as Othello and Stephen A. Smith at Iago in Shakespeare in the Park

Please forgive my language, editor and good people of Washington County, as Nickelback causes me to reach deep into the curse word playbook like no other.

Sincerely,

Jimmy Sexton
Washington County