The Yuckraker

The softball game between Underwriters Laboratories and Consumer Reports magazine was scheduled for 7:30 last night.

But although the weather was beautiful, 7:45 came without a pitch thrown … so did 8 … and 8:15. By 8:30 the umpires congregated, decided they’d seen enough and declared the matchup a double forfeit.

“They came here and started inspecting every little thing,” said umpire Joey Jones, on summer vacation from Miami University. “They wanted to know if the bases were going to cause anyone to trip and fall. If the bats were safe.

“They’re metal fucking bats. Of course they’re safe. Never in the history of co-ed softball has a metal bat exploded. Who do they think they are, Al Fucking Kaline?

“I mean, before the season all the umps went through a 15-minute class on how to make the playing conditions safe. This is what we’re paid to do. I guess we don’t know how to do our jobs now. In no way is $20 a game worth this BS.”

After the game was called, the teams congregated at Happy’s Lounge, where they all had just one beer and drove home.

GPS girl, daughter of the extremely proud Speak & Spell man and At The Tone The Time Will Be woman, recited vows with TV Weather Radar man, son of Would You Like To Play A Game man from WarGames and Prepare To Qualify woman from the original Pole Position video game, this past Saturday.

A bewildered Fr. Joseph Micheletti presided over the service at St. Francis of Assisi Roman Catholic Church in Palo Alto, Calif.

“Do you, GPS girl, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?” inquired Fr. Joseph.

“I do. I will now turn right to face him.”

“Do you, TV Weather Radar man, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do. And tonight I’m going to give her the ol’ Doppler at a rate of 5 to 10 knots.”

“Then by the powers vested in me I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride if it’s physically possible.”

Does Harry live? Does the Boy Who Lived die? Bilionaire butterface J.K. Rowling isn’t telling. But according to snoops tucked deep within the world’s largest bookstore named after a South American river, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” ends a tad ambiguously.

“Hallows,” said our inside man, “features a battle to end all battles over the book’s final pages and just as Harry’s life hangs in the balance, it is written in italics:

‘Don’t stop believin’
‘Hold on to that feela-hiya-a-an
‘Dont stop —’”

There is good news, though. The epilogue is said to unveil the ultimate spoiler: There will be an eighth Potter book!

“Harry Potter and the Unexplained Pants Tent,” in which our wizardly hero approaches British puberty, will likely be released some time in 2010.