One-year-old: Why is my food on fire?
COMMENTARY | Jacob Thompson
All I hear, every damn day, is “Don’t play with the oven. Fire burns the baby.” Why, then, am I sitting here watching people all happy and sing-songy handing me a cake with a lighted candle in the middle of it?
I normally eat food so bland it would make a prisoner give himself the shiv. Now I have this little mound of sweetness in front of me, but I have to extinguish the Olympic torch to eat it? You cruel fucking people.
Enough already with that dopey song. I get it, I’m awesome.
And many mooorrrrre.
Your pants are tooorrrrn.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit, is that funny, Uncle Al! You drunk.
Blow out your candle? Blow out your candle? I can barely breath with my mouth closed. I’m a toddler, not Jesus.
Now where the hell are those presents?
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