The Yuckraker

COMMENTARY | Jacob Thompson

All I hear, every damn day, is “Don’t play with the oven. Fire burns the baby.” Why, then, am I sitting here watching people all happy and sing-songy handing me a cake with a lighted candle in the middle of it?

I normally eat food so bland it would make a prisoner give himself the shiv. Now I have this little mound of sweetness in front of me, but I have to extinguish the Olympic torch to eat it? You cruel fucking people.

Enough already with that dopey song. I get it, I’m awesome.

And many mooorrrrre.
Your pants are tooorrrrn.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit, is that funny, Uncle Al! You drunk.

Blow out your candle? Blow out your candle? I can barely breath with my mouth closed. I’m a toddler, not Jesus.

Now where the hell are those presents?

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 26th, 2007 at 5:32 am and is filed under commentary, satire, comedy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.