Game called: Umps walk out on Underwriters Laboratories-Consumer Reports softball game

The softball game between Underwriters Laboratories and Consumer Reports magazine was scheduled for 7:30 last night.

But although the weather was beautiful, 7:45 came without a pitch thrown … so did 8 … and 8:15. By 8:30 the umpires congregated, decided they’d seen enough and declared the matchup a double forfeit.

“They came here and started inspecting every little thing,” said umpire Joey Jones, on summer vacation from Miami University. “They wanted to know if the bases were going to cause anyone to trip and fall. If the bats were safe.

“They’re metal fucking bats. Of course they’re safe. Never in the history of co-ed softball has a metal bat exploded. Who do they think they are, Al Fucking Kaline?

“I mean, before the season all the umps went through a 15-minute class on how to make the playing conditions safe. This is what we’re paid to do. I guess we don’t know how to do our jobs now. In no way is $20 a game worth this BS.”

After the game was called, the teams congregated at Happy’s Lounge, where they all had just one beer and drove home.

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