The Yuckraker

It took three hours, a dark bedroom and a cocoon of slience, but Washington County’s Angie Childress finally figured out what movie the guy from The Closer is from. In the process, she nearly gave the man lying next to her a heart attack.

“Spider-Man!” she said with inappropriate suddenness, given the midnight hour.

“Wha?” asked her half-asleep husband, Matt.

“Kyra Sedgwick’s boss. He was Tobey Maguire’s boss in Spider-Man. Goddamn, that was killing me.”

“Ah. Nice job, honey,” replied Matt, before falling back asleep.

The first thing Americans think of when they hear the word “Madras” is Lee Trevino putting out at the 1976 British Open. If J.Crew has its way, though, one day they’ll think of the national clothing retailer.

One day.

For 15 years now, the chain has been offering Madras blazers, Madras pants and, most especially, Madras shorts to fashion-conscious Americans, and for 15 years, these fashion-conscious Americans haven’t bit.

“At some point, they’ll come to realize how unique the Madras style is,” said Todd Lindsay, J.Crew’s national marketing director. “I mean, what’s not to like about contrasting squares of plaid stitched together in a mish-mash? It’s what summer’s all about.

“And if Madras, for whatever reason, isn’t your thing, that’s OK, too. We have plenty of pants embroidered with hula dancers and crabs.”

There are times when a man must make a stand and for Matt Thompson of Washington County, Thursday night was one of those times.

As he did his weekly grocery shopping at Kroger, 115 W. Main St., he thought for a moment about buying a can of Chunky vegetable soup.

“But then I stopped and saw that the label said that it was ’savory,’” Thompson said. “I don’t have time for savory. Mouthwatering? Maybe. Full-flavored? Perhaps. Not savory.”

Help, it turned out, was just a can away.

“Right on the same shelf was vegetable soup with pasta. Hearty.” he said. “I stood there flabbergasted: They want to give me the same soup, with an equal number of fluid ounces, plus spiral pasta, for the same price?

“If I turn that down, they ought to take away my soup-buying permit.”

COMMENTARY | Jacob Thompson

All I hear, every damn day, is “Don’t play with the oven. Fire burns the baby.” Why, then, am I sitting here watching people all happy and sing-songy handing me a cake with a lighted candle in the middle of it?

I normally eat food so bland it would make a prisoner give himself the shiv. Now I have this little mound of sweetness in front of me, but I have to extinguish the Olympic torch to eat it? You cruel fucking people.

Enough already with that dopey song. I get it, I’m awesome.

And many mooorrrrre.
Your pants are tooorrrrn.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit, is that funny, Uncle Al! You drunk.

Blow out your candle? Blow out your candle? I can barely breath with my mouth closed. I’m a toddler, not Jesus.

Now where the hell are those presents?

The Criterion Collection today announced that it will alter 14 classics to include prolific actor Samuel L. Jackson.

“The only way to make these films better is to add a little Samuel L.,” said Criterion spokeswoman Mary Langston. “He’s already in just about every movie, so this step we’ve taken is only natural.

“Let me pose this question: If Jackson had been around in Kurasawa’s time, would he not have used him?”

Criterion’s “Bad Motherfucker Collection” will include reissues of such classics as The Seventh Seal, Hamlet (1948) and Spellbound — all with Jules Winnfield himself.